Born on a Thursday #27 – Finding Home

I met my friend Stacy on Tuesday night – we got together to write. I wrote this as a warm-up . . . 

Here I am writing on a Tuesday, but thinking about Thursday (Born on a Thursday). Actually I’m not thinking ’bout Thursday at all, I am thinking how much I love my friend Stacy and this gorgeous town I live in – and the people who live here.

Since going to New York and seeing my family I’d lost a little of my confidence – and I am questioning everything now – even though I know it’s ridiculous. I’m sitting with Stacy right now and we are writing!! Oh boy!

Before we started writing Stacy says to me – Of course you’re a little shaky. Don’t be so hard on your self. You’ve just been through a big break-up, you lost everything, you moved to a new home, you didn’t have a job, you started seeing a new guy, then you went back east and there’s all kinds of stuff going on with your family . . . just be kind to yourself. She reaches out and holds my hand. I give you permission to feel a little uncomfortable.

—Well thanks, Girl!!

(Whew! Sometimes a little permission is all a person needs, and compassion, and kindness, and love . . . )

God, I love my peeps here. Honestly, I’m not that tough. Or maybe, I’m just tired of being tough. I am surrounded by a lot of people who love me, and that’s my choice. It’s taken years to cultivate my relationships  – and then some of my new relationships have fallen into place so easily I can hardly believe it! Though I do believe it, because I experience it.

I’m sitting here at Rendezvous, a hotel coffee shop/bar on the corner of San Francisco and Aspen. I like this place – it’s the place where I come when I don’t necessarily need to talk to people, but need to be among people. Of course, I end up talking to people usually anyway.

My heart feels so open – and has been for months now. I’m falling in love with Flagstaff all over again. I am in love with this place. The vibes ebb and flow here – the energy is light and warm right now – and I know, since I’ve done this seasonal dance several times already, that soon it will be cold and harsh and unforgiving – almost — it’s still so beautiful! Just when it seems like it’s too much, I think about summer here. No place compares.

I am remembering the cold caverns of ninth street, East Village, NYC. Fuck, that has got to be the coldest street in America – I mean the wind will whip through you so fast, so bitterly penetrating, you will feel like your bones are cold until July! And the gloomy sky is grey and feels like it’s hanging low, and the buildings are looming and stoney grey, and even the snow, is gritty and grey – for months. That won’t do.

Honestly, winter is just tough for me. It’s learning how to roll with it — get some snow shoes, proper clothing, prepare to turn inward. Yoga! Snuggling! Winter gear! Art! Reading! Fireplaces! 

I still find myself comparing Flagstaff to NYC. There is so much to do in NY, but natural beauty wins out today. It always has. I spent half my life living in NYC, and, for half that time feeling wistful about trees and fresh air and quiet. Ah. When I want noise now, I go to it, rather than try to shut it out. I love that.

Today, I sit in Rendezvous, facing San Francisco Street, the sun is setting, one of my best friends in the world is sitting next to me writing, too, the sweet man that I have been seeing these last couple of months is down the street having dinner with his mom, the weather is perfect, I get loads of exercise everyday, I eat well, I have a lot of laughter in my life – life is good!

I just looked at Stacy, she is smiling!!!!

Thanks for reading!
Om Namah Shivaya, 
Holly